Before the View: Battleship (plus 4 obvious reasons why it will suck)

Listen very carefully: Do NOT watch this trailer! Your eyes will explode from the horror your brain cannot process. Just read something else or, better yet, stay very far away from the internet itself. VERY VERY FAR AWAY.

Did you watch it? Good. My reverse psychology worked.

What you saw was indeed the trailer for Battleship.

Yes. THIS Battleship.

All psychological superiority aside, I wasn’t joking when I typed what you saw was going to be a horror. I had confused this for a film by Michael Bay, who never fails to deliver nonsensical action. That’s why it surprised me to find out he wasn’t involved, because whoever conceived this movie makes Michael Bay look like a kid playing with fire crackers.

It’s not hard to tell that this movie is pure manure. Then again, this is being discussed on the internet, which is full of stubborn people who think Megan Fox can act in the Transformers movies and probably have knowledge that can be rivaled by the item nearest to your right hand (in my case, it’s a spatula. Do not ask why). So whether or not YOU know already, somebody doesn’t, and I must now THOROUGHLY tell them why this movie is bad.

I made this blog for a reason: School. However, I am also using it for entirely different reasons. In this case, I’m going to tell and/or remind you specifically what is wrong with this movie based on the trailer. Since I am notoriously lazy, I will stick with just the big points.

Now put on your gloves, kids! Hollywood is dead, and it’s time to give it an autopsy.

Expect this on Hollywood's tombstone

1) Sexuality in a Movie based on a FAMILY board game

 

Usually, if it’s in the trailer, it means there has to be some emphasis on it in the movie. If asses are gonna be gliding over the screen, then perhaps some sexuality is to be expected. Seeing as how this is a property based on a FAMILY board game, why is that such a good idea?

I believe to have perfected a theory: Hot babes are a dime a dozen in Hollywood. If society is ever fully convinced that sex makes the film, then Hollywood is all set, because it has a full arsenal of young, sweet models to keep you distracted for generations. That distraction is practically welfare for Hollywood. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that this movie is secretly a training program to make people think that people like Megan Fox is hot and without sex in movies, they will fail.

OBEY

Whether or not the movie is all about face-planting the frame with fat bottom girls, these things have an impact on the viewer. There may not be sex or seductive dancing, which is definitely the most noticeable kind of sexuality in film.  But images like this one, whether you notice or not, are picked up in YOUR brain and that of the person sitting next to you. That person could be a kid.

The problem with that is NOT because a small innocent child is looking at sexual content (I HATE censorship): it’s that his currently developing brain is being told that this stuff is what makes a movie good. Forget story and character arcs! Check out that figure-eight body! And OH LOOK EXPLOSIONS! YEAH OMG!!1!1! And since these kids are indirectly told to think this way, mainstream filmmakers don’t even need to try anymore. Fire + Boobs= Money, for both the filmmakers and Hollywood itself.

Really consider this theory, and if it catches on, call it Schalk’s Indirect Seduction Theory (SIST for short).

 2) Soccer

A lot like my very first game of Battleship

Hey, remember when you thought “Twilight” was about kick-ass vampires and werewolves at war with each other? Remember when it turned out to be just awkward teenage romance and, at one point, baseball?

Seriously, the trailer has a decent emphasis on a soccer game. Why exactly is this important for a movie about battleships and military? I refuse to see the movie in order to find out.  It’s annoying me to think about it. Next!

3) Liam Neeson…just…he just doesn’t care…

It pains me to see the man who played a God/Jedi/Mercenary seem so disappointed in himself. Though, to be frank, he should be. He decided to work on this movie.

Neeson, throughout the whole trailer, acts like a grumpy captain and a protective father against the protagonist. Anyone will say his character is generic, one dimensional, and uninteresting. Really, I think all that anger is just him venting for having to take such a low blow to his movie career. He’s well aware of the disaster he’s a part of.

4) ???

What...

 

...the...

 

...f***?

I will remind all readers  that this movie is based on a family board game about battleships shooting at each other…and there’s not one goddamn alien in it. 

Jesus, let’s finish this up.

4) “Sir, Which weapons?”

 

The climax of the trailer was near, I was expecting to be happy once it was over, but once I heard this, I was about to deck my wall in the face.

So that alien ship/dog/spatula is flying around causing crap to fly, and Liam Neeson (still angry at himself for being in this movie) orders his crew to fire the weapons.

“Sir, which weapons?”

Then Liam Neeson said, “All of them.”

You can tell the movie was trying to make it seem like such a cool line, and how it’s worthy of an Oscar for its screenplay. But even Neeson responds to him in the same way we thought: along the lines of “Are you f**king joking?” Because clearly, you shoot back if there’s a giant, hostile alien ship/dog/spatula about to attack you. You don’t think WHAT you shoot. You shoot. Period. Logic 101.

If this is the highlight of their script, then this movie is truly dead. The alien shtick beat it half to death, and this injected poison into it.

 

Goddamn, this trailer pissed me off. The actual movie will no doubt influence the suicides of at least 5 brain cells. Feel free to address any other things I didn’t get to.

 

 

 

 

 

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